Sunday, June 24, 2007

There is no sense to be made

I know normally I go on about some inane stuff, or my bikes, or any other random item that gets me ruffled. But today I'm going to address something a bit serious.

Most of you know I was in the Army. I was a squad explosives expert, and a close quarter combat instructor/specialist. That meant that I did underwater demo, defused land mines, homemade bombs, unexploded shells, anything that could go boom. I also left them behind when it was needed. I also was good at hand to hand combat, so much so it was my job to make sure my squad was as good as me.

I can't make sense of what I did, but I think about it every now and then. Of my squad, I'm the only living member. All the others (13) were killed in action. I see what goes on right now, and again , realize there's no making sense of that, either. Many good people are maimed or killed as we speak, just as when I was in.

My father told me "when someone has something someone else wants, there will be war". It's that simple. Really. Except that there's no reason, in any sense of the word, so unreasonable acts follow. It's not a political party thing, as Clinton was President when I served, and we were sent to fight myriad dirty little wars.
I don't know why we went where we did. My absolute best friend in the Army died in my arms, but I don't know the reason. I literally tried to put him back together.

For all the good missions, we had horrible ones, fraught with misinformation and logistical screwups. I had wounded buddies we couldn't get to in time, and we heard them kill themselves to avoid capture. I remember the fear that gripped me momentarily when our outpost was under attack, and we couldn't shoot the enemy fast enough, and then my mind screamed at me "DON"T PANIC, THAT"S HOW PEOPLE DIE!!!!!". At that moment, my mind morphed into a hyperprocessor.

What am I saying? Not totally sure, other than there is no logical explanation to a logical mind for what's going on now. I've got to live with these memories, and scores of others. I've taken lives from a distance, up close and personal, and I can't always wrap my mind around it.

I'm not scarred. Not physically, and sometimes I think it'd be easier to explain all this to myself if I were.

1 comment:

David Amulet said...

It's sad that the strategic reasons for conlifct rarely translate into a sense of purpose on the battlefield. No way aroudn that, I suppose, unless it's a true moral crusade or a communist-indoctrined unit.

Good observations--thanks for sharing!

-- david