Monday, March 05, 2007

Squirrels and Beavers

Well, since I alluded to some squirrels possibly skulking about in my last post, I guess I ought to come clean. Let me just say that squirrels are the smartest fuzzy ones out there, except beavers in my opinion. Beavers have advanced engineering degrees for water systems. Squirrels are the countermeasures experts.

It all happened in 2004 on my way to a bike race. I ran over a squirrel with my car just inside the MA line. My teammate Scott looked at me we just kind of shrugged our shoulders. Not much we could do. During the race, another squirrel ran out and I happened to be the one who ran him over and finished him off. Again, not much I could do, but I'm sure I was now being watched.

On the way home, I mentioned to Scott that "one more and I'd have a hat trick", and not more than a mile from NY I ran over another squirrel. Hat trick, indeed. At that moment I'm positive the squirrel version of Interpol was tracking my every move. I was definitely a menance to their existence. Later that summer, I had another hat trick, but this time it was a robin into my windshield, a chipmunk during the race (I wasn't the only one to hit him but I did end his misery), and of all things, a squirrel a block from my home. If three in a day weren't enough to get me on the most wanted list, this was.

Since then, I've kept a low profile, tried to be nice to squirrels, and shrugged off when nuts and branches would come down at me from above. But deep in my mind I knew. I knew that the squirrels were on to me. I knew that they were firing warning shots across my bow. I knew the squirrels in white lab coats were in the back room, monitoring my every move, looking for a routine, calculating revenge, justice and retribution. They analyzed my bike, the physics of the whole thing. They knew I have a predisposition to falling up stairs, so that wasn't a good plan. Gravity was their friend, except the time I greased the sheperd's hook one winter in my parent's backyard. (The bird feeder was for the birds, after all.)

It took almost three years. When I moved to Kerhonkson I threw them off, and they had to regroup. Then the move to TX really caught them by surprise. Yet squirrels are resourceful. They came up with another plan. And they knew two things about me.
1) I ride my bike all over the place.
2) I've missed Einstein's Bagels since 99 when I moved from Indianapolis to NY.

With those seemingly incogruous pieces of information they formulated a plan. Near Einstein's were oak trees shedding acorns. By calculating my path, they could arrange the acorns and thus, control my trajectory. Into the parked car. Very clever. They knew from profiling that I'd head down to the end of the lot with the traffic light, since I always ride like I'm on a motorcycle in traffic.

It worked perfectly. I'm not sure if it was severe enough a sentence to absolve me of all the times I let my dog out to chase the squirrels from the bird feeders, or the snowballs I threw at them to keep them away, or the grease, but I sure hope so. Otherwise, the squirrels will be the end of me.

4 comments:

Duncan said...

hee hee... this is funny.

So you're a rodent butcher and the squirrel hitmen are after you...

KatieBelle said...

Squirrel Interpol...hehe ;)

I'm in love with Einstein's, btw. There's one right across the street from campus on the drag...I get a plain bagel with tomato shmear for breakfast at least twice a week. Yummm!

blackcrag said...

Thanks for posting the 411 on the squirrel conspiracy.

I think you might want to stay away from Canada, because we have plenty of squirrles up here (we might house their capital or Squirrel Interpol's HQ, if we did but know it).

Also, beavers are rodents too, and if they choose to help their cousins, you could get a tree dropped on you.

Ride safe.

blackcrag said...

After re-reading this, it occurred to me you might have been ratted out by some mice.

Beware, they are in the shadows, chittering for your blood...