Sunday, February 05, 2006

Am I truly that difficult?

Ok, yet another relationship dies due to my bike. Not much to say. Was the third time around with this person, I love her dearly, but she's upset I have weekends off and work half days MWF and don't see her often. Well, I'm in my bike from when I get home to dark, simple. On full work days I ride my trainer in the basement (I hook up my bike to a magnetic resistance trainer so my bike becomes a stationary bike) a few hours if I don't go insane first. It is boring.

Point being, she knew that this year is really important to me. Last year was a lost year. I won two races in May, then could have taken the rest of the year off, it was that bad. I have a full calendar planned, and I need to stick to my training plan to reach my goals. When you date a competitive cyclist, you're trying to assimilate into a lifestyle. We live to race, work jobs that suit our training schedule, and anything else is a bonus if it works.

I feel bad, but I'm not going to put too much effort into this this time. I don't need the distraction. She lives about 35 miles away, across the Hudson, so it's an hour to get there. There's the phone, but I can't call after 9 because of her housemates are teachers and go to sleep early. I guess I'm married to my bike. Sad in a way. Honestly, I'm just in the mood to concentrate on my bike. The best relationship I could have would be with a woman who races, also. Or at least is a serious recreational rider.

So apparently my now ex said she felt like she was at the bottom of my list of priorities. Sorry, but not so. I could go off here on a tangent, but suffice to say last time she was to my place was before Christmas. Yeah. Equal effort? Hardly. I'm going to miss her, and maybe this will all work out, but I'm focused on my bike from now until December. Maybe she doesn't understand I get paid to do this, and it's about 55% of my annual income. Plus if I win, I get to keep most of the prize money, with the rest being split amongst my team mates who were in my race with me, and vice versa. If I have another bad year, I won't be on a team, and will be bearing the financial burden of a season on my own. Ouch. At $20 a race at least. Multiply that by 60 and you see how that gets pricey, let alone gas, hotels, parts, etc.

Well, time to ride for a second time today. Bit windy, but it makes you stronger. IF I don't ride, I feel guilty, then I get depressed, and what good am I if I'm not happy? Last year I was miserable because I spent a day in New York city instead of riding, so I couldn't enjoy it, and wasn't a whole lot of fun to be around. And who wants me like that? Not I.


Lora said...

Sorry to hear that, but if she wasn't happy with the situation and was unwilling to make an effort to work around your individual situations, then well ... time to move on.

A lot of women expect their men to spend incredible amounts on time and energy on wooing them, but in the long run a man that is happy and going something that he loves to do is a much better person to be around. Even if the time is limited.

Mike said...

Thank you, I was beginning to think I was totally off base in my thinking. I am who I am because of my bike, and my bike is me. Zen for the cyclist...